I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i barfeds in our rink
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Randomize