I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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