Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
