everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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