i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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