Kiss
Puke
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
