I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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