just tell him i said nine months
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
