watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
