seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
