I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
