using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
