how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
