Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
