you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
3pm strippers are depressing
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
