It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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