I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
