I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
