Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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