Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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