My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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