Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
