My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
