Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
