Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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