I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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