watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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