when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
