how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
