shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
