Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
