I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
