The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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