I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
