i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
