Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
