??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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