I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
