We won't sleep together?
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I smell like Dick and happiness
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
