Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
