thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
