M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
