sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Are we still banned from the library?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
