in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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