..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize