There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
