I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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