when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
