Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
