i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
